my mouth tastes like poor choices
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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