I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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