There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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