i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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