How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
