The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
