Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
