What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
