well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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