Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
