Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
