i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
