Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
