i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
