I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
