I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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