who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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