What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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