I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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