I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
