if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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