It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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