I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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