but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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