Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
