How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
