how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
