guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
