And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
