Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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