After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
