This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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