I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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