Where did you get a picture of my penis
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
