Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
