Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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