So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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