I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
God, I missed his penis.
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