I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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