Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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