How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Ladies don't puke and tell
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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