nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
