Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
