I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
