Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
