My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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