I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
