the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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