oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
