she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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