I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
